Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m Hadar. And today we are going to talk about being invisible.

Hey, you! Thank you so much for being here, for tuning in for another episode. I really appreciate it – the fact that you’re letting me be in your ears today. Today I wanted to have a little chat. So, it’s not going to be a vocabulary lesson, not a pronunciation lesson. I know you love those, but I want to talk about the experience of speaking and being.

Right now, as I’m recording this podcast, we are right at the end of module number eight in my program, New Sound. So, we have two live rounds every year. And the program has 10 modules. And module number eight is the Mindset module. How to your confidence, how to step into the right mindset that will allow you to be at your best.

And around that week, there’s a lot of conversation around confidence and around fear and around all of those other things that are preventing us from performing at the highest level. But here’s the thing. What we always discover is that it’s never about English. English is just the outcome. It’s manifested in English: our fears, our doubts, our judgment, the imposter syndrome, all of that. English pays the price, but not just English – our relationships, the choices we make, the way we treat other people.

When we feel like we’re not being ourselves fully, when we feel like we’re not doing things that bring us joy, when we feel like we’re not adding any value to this world or people around us – it takes its toll, and we pay a high price in every aspect of our lives.

So, I am going to talk about English because at the end of the day, this is why you’re here and you’re listening to this, and you’re unhappy with English or how English is, or maybe you feel like it could be better. You might be satisfied, but you want more. Which is great, like we should always strive for more. But at the end of the day, the things that hold us back is not necessarily the strategy or the vocabulary, or our lips that don’t go into the right shape every time we pronounce that freaking R. It’s not about that. It’s all about how we think about ourselves, what we believe we are capable of doing and our experience as human beings in this world and in society.

Now, as you know, I have spoken about the fact that we’re starting this Immigrant Experience series, where we talk about challenges that immigrants face. So this is definitely something that I have noticed with many of my students. Who are also immigrants, who have left their home country to live abroad, whether it’s the US or Canada or the UK or Australia, South Africa. And they had to let go of a lot of things: family, friends, culture, language to pursue a new life and more opportunities. But for many of them, it took some time, a lot of time. And for some, they’re still there, in the search of finding themselves again.

Now, if you’re not an immigrant and you are exploring a new path in English – that might resonate with you as well. That idea that you are not bringing yourself fully to the conversation. Or you’re not feeling like yourself or you’re feeling a little fake when speaking English. And for people who have immigrated, it could be around everything or anything related to the circumstances of their lives: their new community, their workplace, the kids’ school, the doctor’s office, church, synagogue.

So, that experience of hiding yourself or stifling yourself to a point where you don’t know who you really are because of this elusive fear that has to do with how people perceive you. That experience is crippling and devastating, because what it does is that it makes you feel invisible. It makes you feel like you’re not really you. And if it’s not really you, then people don’t see the real you. And the real you is invisible.

Whether you’re trying to be someone else or to sound like someone else, or you have an idea about how you’re supposed to sound because you’re speaking in English. So, obviously, people see you and hear you, but if you don’t feel like it’s the real you – you’re not saying the things that you want to say because you’re afraid, or you don’t have the experience speaking about these things, maybe you’re changing your voice. Then the real you is not presented to the world and you feel invisible.

And here’s the thing about feeling invisible. Humans are not isolated creatures. We live in tribes and communities. We need other people. So feeling invisible is the exact opposite of the essence of humanity.

If we want to belong, that means that we want to be a part of something. And to be a part of something, we need to feel seen and to feel heard. When we’re a part of something, we want to have impact on others. And for that we need to feel seen and to feel heard. And when that’s not the case, it feels like we’re not a part of this thing called humanity or the human experience. Like we’re existing, we’re seen, but it’s not really us.

And that creates a conflict in your identity. All of a sudden, you feel like, “Who am I? Who is this person, doing all those things, saying all those things? No one really knows me. I can’t make real connections.” And all of a sudden, you start blaming English for it.

I mean, of course, English has a lot to do with it. Because your vocabulary is not that expressive. Maybe something happens to your voice when you get nervous speaking, and then you feel like you’re not even expressing your emotions. Maybe you’re self-conscious about your sounds, maybe you’re not clear to some people, and there is like this miscommunication. And you say to yourself, why bother? And then again, you feel not heard, not seen, invisible.

And then you start avoiding. You start avoiding conversations, you start avoiding situations that are a little more than the average situation of you speaking at work, speaking to friends, speaking to the doctor, speaking to the teller at the bank. You’re not challenging yourself in a way you feel very limited.

And then of course, when you’re avoiding them, there isn’t this improvement that happens when you’re actually doing the work. And you feel even more detached from your English, and you feel that your goals are farther and farther away from you. And then you start developing additional fears and concerns about communicating in English, and beliefs about yourself, how impossible it is for you to succeed in English. And all because you felt invisible. And then you feel even more invisible.

Now, again, it’s not that people don’t speak to you or they’re not in contact with you. You have friends. But sometimes you feel that it’s not the full you, the authentic you, because that part is invisible. And if it’s not avoidance, then sometimes we go on this English bootcamp, just like working really hard to improve English. And doing all the work necessary and practicing a lot. Which is great. But it’s not going to change a core belief that might still be in there, that maybe no one wants to hear what you have to say: if you’re not saying it right, if you’re not saying it perfectly.

That no one really knows you, that you don’t feel like yourself in English. Maybe you have already come to terms with the fact that you will never be feeling like yourself in English. And the question is, how is this serving you? And with all the work that you might be putting into English, is that what’s going to help you feel seen and heard? More pronunciation work, more words in your vocabulary. Or is it a matter of how you feel and what you think about yourself when you’re speaking English, or living in a different country?

Now, it’s a little tricky. Because on one hand, I say, Hey, it’s a mindset thing, it’s about you and your behavior and how you feel about yourself and what you think about yourself. And on the other hand, that concept of invisibility is more about others. “Hey, it’s not that I’m working on being invisible. It’s just that I feel that people don’t see me”. Right? It’s in a way about them. But it’s not about them. We know that, right? Even though it’s all about how you’re being perceived, it’s all about what you feel you’re worthy of.

Because if you feel like your English is not good enough for you to be heard, then this is how you’re going to feel, and this is how you’re going to behave. And of course, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, like your English is never going to improve because it’s going to stay mediocre. Because you’re not even putting it to test, you’re not using it. And you don’t even think that it’s worth being listened to. So why would it be, if you don’t think that. Right?

So many of my students have this fear of engaging in a conversation, let’s say at work, there’s a meeting. And they don’t want to say something because they’re afraid that they’re going to make a mistake. Or that they’re going to get stuck, or they’re going to get confused and, you know, not be clear and they’re going to waste people’s time.

So they end up not speaking because they’re afraid that it’s not going to come out right. And again, that fear of not speaking has to do with, you know, this belief that if you make mistakes, then people are going to think that you’re stupid. So, you’re afraid of being perceived as stupid or less intelligent. And you’re afraid of taking up time and space, right?

That maybe you’re going to get stuck, or maybe you’re going to say something that is inappropriate and you’re going to ruin the flow. So you stay quiet. And when you stay quiet and you’re not sharing what you have to share, you feel invisible. And maybe in a way you are, because you’re not saying anything, so people don’t hear you.

So the question is, how long are you going to continue with feeling this way, knowing that if change needs to happen, it’s only up to you. Not up to them. And it’s not even up to something in your English that needs to change. A level, a new level to reach… No. It’s about the here and now, and what are you doing with the English that you already have. And how can you make it shine and how can you be heard and be seen, and say what you have to say. And feel pain and feel hurt and feel vulnerable, but also feel accomplished. And maybe even celebrated, and maybe even expressive, and maybe even like yourself.

I always tell my students, and I recently told that to my daughter as well. That when we have an impulse to speak and we swallow it, we stifle it – we feel it in our body. We feel it in our throat. All of a sudden, we have this sore throat, or this pain or this tingling feeling, maybe we start coughing. Because we swallowed our voice and our impulse to speak.

So, I dunno if it’s just me. When I said that to my daughter… we were talking the other night in a very surprising open conversation. My daughter is eight years old. And usually, you know, if you have kids, you know that usually kids don’t tend to be overly open and sharing. And that one specific night she was like telling me everything. Like fears, how she feels in class about our friends, how she feels about her body. Oh my God, like she’s eight years old and she’s, you know, she already have thoughts about herself. Which is very scary, it starts really early on.

Anyway. She was sharing something about things that kids in her class say to her. And I said, “You know, this is what you should answer back.” She said, “Ah, I don’t feel comfortable saying that to them. I don’t want to hurt them.” And I said, “Every time you want to say something and you stop yourself from saying it, it gets stuck in your throat. And then you start feeling the pain there.”

And she was like, “Yeah, that’s exactly what’s happening to me!” I felt like I gained a couple of points there when I said that to her. She has probably forgotten about it already, but still, I remember it. So that’s what matters. Anyway, it resonated with my daughter. It resonates with me because I experienced it. And maybe it resonates with you as well. If it doesn’t, then maybe it’s manifested in other ways in your body: maybe a headache or stomach ache.

But usually, when we have an impulse to be ourselves and to speak and we stifle it, it’s like unreleased energy. And it finds a way to be expressed. And usually not in a healthy way. Even if it’s just, you know, anger. It’s never just anger, but anger.

So, back to the impulse, and back to how to stop feeling invisible. When you have that impulse to be you and to say something, don’t give yourself enough time to talk yourself out of it. Just do it. Just say it. You’ll deal with the consequences later. Don’t wait for it to be perfect in your head. Don’t wait for the right moment in the conversation. Don’t overthink it. Just express yourself. This is how you take those small steps to being you. Not compromising anything.

Now, yeah. Like, you know, I know in what society we live and know we can’t say everything that comes to mind. So I’m not talking about, you know, expressing all your vicious thoughts or angry thoughts. No. But if you have something to say, then say it, if you have something to add to the conversation. Don’t let yourself be invisible. Because it’s the choice.

You become invisible when you’re not taking up space. When you’re not letting your voice out. And then you get comfortable in a certain place. It’s like an uncomfortable comfortable place. Because of course, it’s uncomfortable to be invisible, but it’s very comfortable because, you know, you’re not being vulnerable, you’re not potentially being judged. At how is that serving you? I’m guessing, it’s not that great.

So, the real work is not necessarily the pronunciation work or vocabulary work. And you guys, you know I’m a huge fan of all of that type of work. I think it’s part of the work. I think it’s a way of you to build speaking habits, you know, and you do that through the practice. It definitely builds up confidence. And of course, it improves your communication abilities.

But – I’m going to do it with an aspirated T – buT the real work is internal. Because it doesn’t matter if you say ‘rrr’ or ‘ʁ’ or ‘ur’. If you have the confidence to speak and you say what you have to say with conviction and charm and sensitivity, people will listen, you will be heard. So, yes, working on the art is great. But it’s not the work. Best part is that it’s not just about English.

You know, a lot of my students say that when they go through my program, they say – and not just in the mindset module, because mindset is a huge part of the work. Even when you work on pronunciation, you have to let go of limiting beliefs and to really listen to yourself without any ideas about how you think you sound, and with more forgiveness.

My students always say that the English is just the excuse and what they really gained from this course is those changes, shifts in how they think. Because it affects every aspect of their lives, not just English. And it has a ripple effect, because when you’re doing well in one aspect, then you start influencing those around you.

And when you decide that you deserve to be heard and be seen, then I think that people respect you more. Even if they disagree with you. Even if they might judge you about what you’re saying, your opinions, or even how you sound. But at least you put yourself out there. You claimed your spot. You said, “Hey, I’m here. And this is me. I’m not gonna make myself invisible now so you are more comfortable, so it’s easier for you to communicate. No. I am going to be loud and noticeable, and I’m going to take my time, and I’m going to express how I feel. Because I don’t do invisible, I just don’t.”

And you know the best part – apart from feeling like yourself again – the best part is that when you have that approach, it gives permission to others who look up to you, or see you, to do the same. So not only that you are living your purpose – if we want to use a cliché; I love clichés, between us – you’re also making an impact by simply being you. Because there is nothing more inspiring than seeing someone living up to their full potential, being comfortable with who they are. In whatever language that is, whatever accent that is.

Because if we can find exceptions, for example, a person with broken English, who is joyful and happy and making it in this world. Or a person with an accent, who is super successful and is in their zone of genius, right, in their element, doing what they love. If we can think of people like that – and I can easily think of, you know, several people off the top of my head – then it means that not speaking English as a native and having a non-standard accent is not a good enough reason for you to not succeed and not fulfill your potential. Just not a good enough reason.

And yeah, sometimes the mindset work is the hardest work. Sometimes working on learning new words is easier. But we’re not here because we like easy. If you’re listening to my podcast, you’re not taking the easy path. You’re here for the hard work, I know it. I have high expectations for my audience. I challenge you. And you’re up for it, I know. Again, this is why you’re here. So I know you can do it.

So, I’m inviting you to reflect on what we discussed here. And to think about those moments where you have an impulse to speak. And to work on letting your voice be heard, and to think about that idea of invisibility. And think about how you want to live your life, and how you want to impact others, and what’s really more important.

And remember that change doesn’t come with like this one big thing – small steps, many changes, small decisions. Every minute, every day, and all of those small, tiny decisions ultimately lead to the big change. But it takes courage to make those small decisions to speak, to say yes, to interrupt someone, to say, “I’m not done” when someone interrupts you. But that’s what’s going to make the change. So decide to commit yourself to making those small decisions. All right? Good.

That’s it for today. Have a beautiful rest of the day. Thank you for being here with me today. And I’ll catch you next time. Bye.