Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m Hadar, and this is episode number 62. And today we’re going to talk about why perfectionism destroys your fluency.

So do you know this joke about job interviews, where the HR asks you, “So what is your biggest flaw?” And you say, “I’m a perfectionist”. Because on one hand, it’s “Oh yeah, it’s a flaw. Poor me, I’m a perfectionist. It’s not good to be a perfectionist”. And on the other hand, that’s exactly what you think your employer wants to know about you because perfectionism is considered to be a positive trait and not really a flaw.

So what is perfectionism? Perfectionism is basically the need to be, or to appear to be perfect. Or even like, have that idea that perfect is even possible or it’s possible to achieve perfection. Because perfectionists believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection in anything they do in life: making food, doing work, speaking English.

Now, perfectionism occurs in certain areas as well. So you might be a bit more forgiving when it comes to cleaning your house or folding your laundry, which is definitely something that I have let go in my life. I’m not trying to be perfect when folding my laundry – when I attempt at folding my laundry – I get reprimanded for it by my husband. So I’ve definitely let go of that need to be perfect in my laundry folding.

But it’s easier to do that then in my job, for example, and the content that I create, because I definitely have hints and bits and pieces of perfectionism in me, the need to make everything perfect. Which I have learned to let go because it was hindering my progress.

So the idea of perfectionism can grab you in certain areas in your life, even though you don’t consider yourself to be a perfectionist. So why am I talking about this? Because of course, I’m going to relate this to English. Because in many cases where people don’t experience that breakthrough that they’re hoping for: the progress, the fluency, the freedom, the joy in speaking in English it’s because it doesn’t sound like they expect it to sound. And how do they expect it to sound? Perfect.

Now, in a second we’re going to talk about how ludicrous is it to even perceive the possibility of English as something that can be perfect because there’s no such thing as perfect in a spoken language. But we’re gonna put that on the shelf for a sec and come back to the need to be perfect when speaking English. Why is that? And I’m assuming that most people listening to this podcast right now resonate with that idea of the fear of not being perfect when speaking in English.

The fear of making mistakes, the fear of having an accent, the fear of getting stuck, the fear of not using the right words, the fear of people thinking that we are less intelligent, the fear of people not wanting to communicate with us, not wanting to talk to us anymore. Right? Because we are not perfect. We are not speaking the English that we think they expect us to speak. So that fear is real. But that fear is also the number one cause of why you keep getting stuck and you can’t seem to reach that breakthrough. And that concept of perfect English is instilled in us since day one.

Why? Well, first, because we communicate in a certain language. The only reference we have to that is our native language. So we know what it’s like to speak a language and we know how it feels. And when we speak a different language, it doesn’t feel the same way, therefore, it’s not perfect. Therefore, anything that we’re doing is less than, okay. Already the sense of being imperfect.

But that’s just the starting point. The real problem starts the first day of school, where you start learning English and they teach you that there is right and wrong. The moment you take your first quiz or your first test, or you have to write the word down and then you get it wrong because spelling is impossible, and then you lose points. “Shoot, I didn’t do well”.

And then, when you need to choose between how to say something, and you have different tenses, and you choose something and it’s wrong, even though it was confusing, but it’s wrong and you lose points so you get the sense that there is right and wrong. As if English as binary, as if there’s only one way of saying things. But that’s still on the shelf, we’re going to come back to it in a sec.

But those things, those tests, they instill this idea in you that there is right and wrong, and if you don’t get it right, then you’re definitely wrong. And being wrong is being imperfect. And if you’re not perfect, people are not going to like you. People are not going to want to talk to you, people are going to judge you. You’re not going to get that job.

And as you get older, you keep hearing this idea that being fluent is feeling like a native and sounding like a native. Which is ridiculous. Because if you weren’t born into the language, you can’t feel like a native and you can’t speak like a native simply because it’s not your native language. You can feel great in English, you can feel amazing, powerful. But putting it in the same category and comparing it is simply unfair.

And it keeps perpetuating the idea that if you’re not there because they tell you that you can be if you do this, this and that. And then you do this, this and that, and you still feel less than, you still feel not enough, and then you’re like, “Ugh! That’s not right, because there is this perfect, this perfect English that they tell me I need to speak. And if only I do that, then I’ll have this, this and that, all the freedom. I’ll do all of those things that I’ve always dreamed of. I’ll give a TED talk, I’ll be famous, I’ll have a YouTube channel!” – All of those things, right? – “But for that, I need to be perfect”.

But perfection kills creativity. Because you’re so fearful of trying something that is a little unfamiliar because of the fear of getting it wrong, that you end up not doing. It’s debilitating. It creates anxiety. And in a state where you feel anxious – sweaty palms, shallow breath, you feel nervous – how can you possibly perform well? And that just perpetuates that feeling that your English is not good enough. Or not good or, God forbid, imperfect.

Now let’s take that idea off the shelf and talk about it for a sec. That idea that English can be perfect or there is such thing as perfect English. Now, if I’m trying to be real honest here, then I catch myself a lot of times saying, “Yeah, I know my English’s not perfect but this, this, and that. Right? Like, and I’m not trying to say it out of a place of insecurity, I’m just saying that I accept myself with all the faults and flaws.

But yet, I’m still suggesting that there is such thing as perfect English. And to what do I compare it to? That idea of standard English, that teacher that I once had in school that had this beautiful standard American accent? That very popular teacher on YouTube that teaches English? Or that thought leader that is so expressive and I love how she speaks, and I’m like, “That is perfect English”.

Because English is so diverse, any language, but it has thousands of accents, dialects, sounds. Well, not thousands of sounds, but many different sounds. People mouths are different: how they opened their mouth, how they pull their tongue back, all of that changes how a person sounds. So to say that it’s possible to have one perfect English makes no sense whatsoever. The person who invented the standard accent had a certain way of pronunciation and it is based on how he grew up. Yeah, it’s a he. And the dialect that he spoke, that ended up creating that standard English and certain grammar structures, that are different by different speakers. And how English evolves. And sometimes people don’t use certain grammar rules that you were taught in school because that’s just not how people speak. Does that make it imperfect? Because it’s not correct, because Grammarly may fix it? But if people use it all of the time, maybe there isn’t just one way of saying things.

What I find beautiful in English may not be beautiful to someone else’s ears. So what I perceive to be perfect is not perfect for someone else. That someone else could be a native or a non-native speaker, it does not matter. And when you want to say something, you can use several different tenses. “I was there. I’ve been there”. Can you say that one is incorrect? No. Does it depend on the situation? Probably. Does it really matter in terms of clarity and delivering your message if you use one instead of the other? No. Will people notice and think that you’re stupid? Probably not. Does that matter to your brain? Probably not. Cause your brain still perceives it to be imperfect because you made a mistake.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying lower the bar, lower the standard, speak with mistakes. I’m all about self-improvement, learning. I mean, heck, my business is based on creating services for students to help them improve their English. Right? So I’m not saying don’t do anything, be happy, think happy thoughts, and imagine a check with a million dollar on it. No, I’m not saying that.

“Imagine yourself giving a TED talk and that will happen to you”. No, you got to do the work. You’ve got to understand that when you make a mistake, you learn from it. And then it’s an opportunity to change, but that’s the only way for you to improve. Because those teachers who teach you in school and they punish you for making mistakes, punish you by taking off points or making fun of you in front of the entire class, because I’ve heard many stories where that happened. So you get punished for making mistakes.

It’s not surprising that as an adult, you’re afraid to make mistakes. Those mistakes were never celebrated. But if you keep carrying that past with you, that notion that if you make a mistake you will lose something, then you’ll always be in a constant state of feeling that your English is not enough and will never be.

And the brain is a funny creature because if you tell it that it’s not good, and if you’d tell your brain constantly that you can’t learn, that you’re not enough and all of that, then every time you will make an attempt at learning, at speaking, your brain will be like, “What are you doing? You know that you’re not enough. You know that it’s not going to be successful. You know that you’re going to make a mistake because you’re always making mistakes”, having that memory from childhood, making mistakes.

And then you keep saying to yourself, “Your English is lousy. You have a strong accent. You sound bad. You look silly. You’re not real. You’re not natural”. And if you keep saying all of those things to yourself about your English, why do you expect other people to feel anything differently? If you yourself don’t value your English, why do you expect other people to value your English?

Now, of course, it’s all ultimately in your head because you don’t believe that people value your English or your attempt, you feel that they judge you. Most people do feel that. And yeah, sometimes a lot of people judge, but not as much as you judge yourself. So sometimes we have all those negative thoughts about our English and we project them onto other people, believing that they have those negative thoughts. And as I said before, when you have those negative thoughts, that’s not a place to thrive and to learn and to change. It’s a place of oppression. Your English is oppressed. Poor thing! And then when you need it to be on your side, it’s not on your side. It’s hiding. It’s ashamed.

I always love visualizing English and pretending it to be a human being. It makes things a lot clearer in my mind. So I use that imagery of English being like a really chill, classy, laidback woman, sitting on the couch, drinking Martini. And people approach her rather than her approaching people. So I try to use this visual when I teach my students how to communicate effortlessly in English, not to work so hard, to let people come to them. Right?

But it’s the same idea because if you mistreat someone that you care about in your life, or at least someone that you need, and you keep talking crap about them, and you keep saying how much they suck and they’re not good, they’re not good friends. I mean, do you think that they’re going to be there for you when you need them? Why would they?

So, if you want other people to value your English and respect you speaking English and respect your English, you better get started with respecting your English first. And your progress, and your journey, and acknowledge it and appreciate it. What else can you do? What else can you do to turn that negative thought into positive?

Well, I talk about it a lot, but you got to focus on the positive things. You gotta focus on what’s working. We are biased to pay attention and to recognize and remember the negative things. So, for example, you had a meeting and you spoke and it was okay, and then you had a minute where you got stuck. And maybe someone was not very patient and started speaking instead, and then you just kept quiet. And you walked out of this meeting.

What would you feel? What do you think you would feel? “I did so well, except for that  last five minutes?” No. You would probably go back home and beat yourself up, and call an English teacher and feel like you need to improve your English because it is below all standards. Because you got stuck, like no recollection or no acknowledgement of all the beautiful work that you have done other than that.

Let’s say you have 10 encounters with 10 different people. And nine of them are great, and effortless, and smooth. And then one of them is weird, and someone is just like not understanding you. And they make a big deal out of it, and maybe they mention something about your accent. Will you think about all those nine people that you had this lovely interaction with? No. You are more likely to remember and respond to that negative encounter. That’s just how our brain works.

We need to understand that that’s the case. And when you feel that negative experience, like something bad has happened, it is very important to look at what was working and what was going well. Because your brain is not going to be inclined to remembering that, so you have to force yourself to remember it. And you got to focus on that.

Energy flows, where your focus goes. Right? So focus on the good things. And then the energy is going to be positive. Rather than focusing on all the crappy things that happened and then you like, “Ugh, that sucks. Where is that phone number of that English teacher?” Right? “Let me watch another YouTube video because I need to improve my English”.

Now, as I said, yes, watch that YouTube video. Yes, practice more. Yes, see what you can learn from that experience, but turn it into a golden opportunity to learn and to improve. That is it. Don’t assign too much meaning to such encounters or situations. Simply learn and move on.

So focus on the positive, change that sentence, and say to yourself, “My English is enough. My English is enough, is enough for me to communicate with people. It’s enough for me to express what I want to say. It’s enough for me to build relationships. It’s enough for me to make an impact. It’s enough for me to change people’s lives. It’s enough for me to improve my circumstances in life. It’s enough. It’s enough. It’s enough. And I’m enough.”

You got to remind yourself of that all of the time, because your brain is not going to help you do that. Other people in your life are not going to help you do that for the most part. So you got to do the work and do whatever it takes. Put it on a post-it note and put it on your refrigerator and look at it every single day in the morning. Put it as your screensaver. Just make sure to remind yourself that you’re on a constant journey of improvement and growth.

I mean, you’re here. If you’re listening to this podcast, that is the case. You are the type of person who is looking to improve himself or herself, and to change, and to be better. To be better not just for you, but for the people around you, the people that you love, your family members, your kids, if you have kids. Right? Like, your students, if you’re a teacher, your colleagues, your followers. And when they see that, it will trickle down and they will have a sense of that as well. Because if you keep apologizing and beating yourself up and talking about how awful your English is, you’re instilling fear in them too. You are creating these ideas in their heads too. So if we want to change things in our lives and in this world, it has to start with how we think about them.

Now, when it comes to English, you gotta create for yourself a safe space to practice. Because I get it that it can be very frightening to do it with people you don’t know. And you want to speak and you want to improve and you want to put yourself in a situation that is not that comfortable, which is in front of other people. But you don’t want to do it when the stakes are too high, like at work and sometimes with native speakers.

So make sure you create for yourself the best circumstances to succeed. This is exactly why I created the InFluency community on Facebook. Look it up. If you’re not a member, it’s a safe space for people to practice and to show up on video, and in Zoom calls, and it’s all free. Right? Because I believe that this space is necessary for people. But you gotta do it, you gotta show up. You gotta put in the work, and then you become a little more confident, and a little stronger. And then doing it in front of people whom you don’t know, or in front of native speakers or colleagues or bosses – not buses, but bosses – and that becomes a little less scary and a little more possible.

And if you truly let go of this idea that there is such thing of perfect English, it gives you permission to be yourself, to speak, to communicate without that police officer in your head judging and criticizing and catching every single mistake. That’s no fun. And communication is all about joy and connection. If you can’t do that, then what’s the point? It’s just a matter of decision. And you need to make it.

So create for yourself the best circumstances to succeed, show up, be consistent. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens over several nights and days. It does. And the breakthrough is not something that you see all of a sudden, but when looking back, you see the difference. That’s what we want.

You can go back and listen to The Compound Effect, I’m going to link to it in the show notes – one of the episodes that I created just when I started my podcast. And also the episode about the Imposter Syndrome. If you haven’t listened to those two, and what I’m saying here resonates with you, I think you can go back and really understand the deeper root of all that. Of that all. Which one was perfect – all of that or that all? Does it matter? You got the point. Am I going to edit it out? No.

Okay. So that’s it. If you want to share with me your thoughts and ideas, then come on over to Instagram, you can find me at @hadar.accentsway. Follow me and send me a DM. Tell me what you think, tell me how you feel, tell me what you’re going to do differently.

And if you like this episode, then consider subscribing to my podcasts wherever you listen to the podcast. And if you really liked it, then you can even rate and review the podcast. Crazy thought, right? But if you feel like it I’d greatly appreciate it.

So thank you so much for tuning in and for being a part of this community, even if it’s just you and me right now, there are many, many people who feel exactly like you’re feeling, having the same thoughts as you’re feeling. So just you know that you’re not alone. And if you are a member of the InFluency community, you know that for sure.

So, have a beautiful, beautiful rest of the day. Thank you so much for being here, and I’ll see you next time. Bye.