Welcome to the InFluency podcast. I’m Hadar. And this is episode number 233. And today we are going to talk about being present.

Hey everyone, welcome to the InFluency podcast. If you’re here, that means that you are in fluency, in motion. Incredible. I’m Hadar, your host. And if this is the first time that you are tuning in, or maybe the second time, and you have no idea who I am, let me introduce myself. I’m Hadar, I’m a speech and fluency coach.

And my job in this world is to help you understand how you can communicate with freedom and clarity and confidence in English. I’m a non native speaker of English. And I’m gonna be sharing with you everything that I’ve learned along the way about this whole business called English speaking. And I go way past the language.

So, while I do talk about grammar every now and then, and I definitely talk about pronunciation, I also talk about the language overall – the holistic experience of speaking in English and finding fluency. And a lot of it has to do with habits, and with mindset, and with how you think about yourself in English, and all of that good stuff.

So, you can just browse through the different episodes or go to hadarshemesh.com to see how else I can help you. There are a lot of free resources there that you can download and get started today. That’s it. Thank you so much for being here and have a great day. I’m kidding! Let’s talk about today’s topic, which is ‘Being present’.

I had a different topic for today, but I was in this interesting session with this woman. I don’t know how to call her: like a therapist or a consultant or a woman with many different skills. And I met her for the first time, and we had a conversation about different things and about life. And I told her that recently I’ve been having these back pains as I was sitting.

And I said, “Listen, I sit a lot at my work. And I feel that, you know, this is pressure that I’m feeling.” And she said, “Do you think it’s a good idea for you to be present?” And I’m like, “Pff, of course. Of course, it’s a good idea.” And then she said, “Think about it again. I want you to take a minute and to think about it.”

And I said, “Yes, it’s a good idea for me to be present. I’m not saying that I am present, but it’s definitely a good idea.” And she said, “Good. Sit with that thought for a little bit, create that possibility first for yourself.” And I thought that it was really interesting because she didn’t tell me I need to be more present, right? It wasn’t this definitive mantra that she wanted me to have. I’m gonna come back to the back pain in a second.

This was really the flow of the conversation. And I was like, “How is that related to my back pain?” And she said, “You know, having a thought in your head, that is the possibility. Right? The thought that this is something that could be good for you. Without you having to do it, it’s something that is good to get started with.”

And being present is definitely something that I struggle with personally. I mean, it’s just between you and me, right? There’s a lot going on in life, right? Everything: life, family, you know, social media, the business, thoughts about English, my students. So many things occupy my mind on a day-to-day basis, on a momentary basis. And also, you know, I’ve already recognized that – I think I talked about it on the podcast where, you know, sometimes when you get so stressed out or really busy or really like insecure or scared about things, then I tend to do – and I think, you know, you may relate to that too – what I tend to do is to hide or to run away from that emotion. Because it’s not a good emotion to feel, like no one wants to feel stressed.

So what do we do? We soothe the stress or pain or fear by doing something that totally gets us– gets our mind off what we are thinking or experiencing. And that thing could be food, could be TV. For me, it’s definitely my phone, social media, WhatsApp, connecting with people. And yeah, I can always say it’s really important for my business, cuz it’s important for me to stay connected with my audience.

And this is a good opportunity to tell you that I do connect with you guys, with my audience, on Instagram at @hadar.accentsway, if you’re not following me just yet. And then I can blame you for keeping me distracted. No, I’m kidding. But yes, I do connect with my students and my followers. So it’s really important to me, but I don’t have to do it every time things get a little hard. Because when I do that, I’m not dealing with what it is that I’m feeling right now, whether it’s the fear or the stress, or, you know, like doing the work that is boring.

And the result is that when things get hard or boring – life can get boring when you have all of these different distractions and, you know, information and opportunities out there – then we tend to think about everything that is not the here and now. And don’t worry, it is going to connect a) to my back and b) to English, I promise.

So, distractions. Right? We do tend to not distract ourselves, but just go into something that is soothing, that is calming, that is familiar, that is validating. That is a no-brainer, right? You don’t have to think. No hard thoughts are happening when you are watching YouTube or when you are scrolling through social media. And that prevents us from being right here right now with our emotions, and with what’s happening, with a boredom even.

My partner, Gil, always gets angry at me. He’s like, “You never let yourself get bored. Just be there and think about something”. Cause I’m like trying to be active and proactive. And like, if I have a minute here, I’m gonna do a bunch of things, you know. While I’m doing it, I’m gonna text my team and I’m gonna respond to some comments. Just like… just be, and be bored. It’s okay. It’s like, Bored? I cannot be bored! I have a lot of things to do.

But you know, with boredom comes, first, piece of mind. And, you know, sometimes new ideas. But also you’re more connected to the here and now, you know, and to your emotions. Even if it’s boredom or worry that could come up from for some people. I’m pointing at myself right now, when I’m bored.

So, to make a long story short, I do tend to not be very present when, you know, in this– in between time, right? Of course, when I’m coaching, I’m coaching. When I’m speaking to my daughters or being with them or playing with them, I’m with them. But in between time or when things get hard, especially at work, I tend to distract myself and then I’m not present.

Now, back to my back pain. What she said is that sometimes, you know, it’s kind of a reflection of where I wanna be. Now, it’s a little woo woo spiritual thingy, like she just had that thought and she shared it with me, so it was interesting. But she said that like, sometimes it’s kind of like my body doesn’t know if I’m here or there: Where am I right now?

So she gave me a few breathing tips and, kinda like, you know, some exercises to do, which I like. And all of that conversation made me think about English. By the way, just to show that I wasn’t very present in that conversation, if all I thought was, Mm, how can I turn this into a conversation on the podcast – ‘Being present in English’?

Now… no, I’m kidding. It’s something that I’ve been meaning and wanting to talk to you about for a while. Because here’s the thing – and I can totally attest that this is something that was happening to me for many, many years: when speaking in English, we tend to not be present at all with a person we’re speaking to.

And it’s so funny because one of the biggest fears of people, speakers of English as a second language, is to not understand others. So that, you know, someone would say something to you, and you’d be like, “Um, I don’t… I don’t know what you just said”, and not know how to respond. You know, that came up when I did this survey in my community that came up as one of the biggest fears, even more than being judged. Right? Cause not understanding something has this association with a very awkward moment and, you know, feeling incompetent, feeling unintelligent and all of that, you know, ‘good’ stuff.

Now, that fear of not understanding someone is caused because a lot of times we’re not fully present and listening. Because we’re so consumed with a thought of what’s gonna happen if I don’t understand this person. Or, What am I gonna say right after what they are saying? Let me think about it. How am I gonna phrase it? How am I gonna finish that thought? What am I gonna say? What’s the word I’m looking for? How to make sure not to make that sound?

So, you’re like thinking a lot about you and your English. Instead of just being there in the conversation, talking to the person, listening, really listening. Now, I don’t blame you. You know, we tend to do that even when the language is not a barrier. You know, we tend to be so consumed in our own thoughts or about other things, other people, other situations: what I have to do later on today, what I haven’t done yesterday, you know.

And that is even more the case when it’s your second language, cuz then we have all those language thoughts. Criticism: “That was not very good.” Right? So, really, think about it. Anyway, we are like a distracted generation. We don’t fully pay attention to what’s happening around us. And when communicating in English: “Tell me the truth. I have a feeling I’m right.” You are more likely to think about yourself, what you’re going to say right after, how you’re going to answer so that you come out good. Or just the fear of, you know, “What if I don’t understand? What’s gonna happen? What am I gonna do?”

And all of these thoughts are keeping your brain busy. So not only that you’re more likely to not understand the person, cuz you’re not really paying attention. But also, again, you’re not enjoying this idea of communicating with others, which is just two people exchanging ideas and thoughts and energy and emotions.

And that is such a waste. First of all, it doesn’t do any good to your English. When you’re not present, when you’re not like ready for that back and forth, it’s not– you’re not gonna be more fluent if you think about what you’re gonna say.

I remember that when I was a young kid, I had this recital. And there was a part in the recital, in the piece that I had to play, it was a Chopin waltz. And there was a part that I always got confused. Till this day, I get it confused. I think I just learned it with a confusion. And I remember playing it in my head again and again and again. Like what my fingers need to do, how it’s going to sound like.

And I got so obsessed about it. First of all, I wasn’t present to listen to all the other students. Which was not a huge loss, I have to say. I’m, you know, I was pretty terrible too, so, I’m, I’m just saying. It was, you know, very young kids playing on piano after three months of learning it in front of 50 people. You can imagine what this must have been like.

So, I was not present, but then when I did get to play, it did not really help, I still messed it up. So, the moral here – it does not matter. It doesn’t matter how much you plan; you know, you’re gonna get asked something else. You’re gonna start saying it and something else will come up, or the words are gonna come out differently. So what’s the point of planning anyway, if it’s not helping you because you’re so stressed out, cuz you are in the middle of a conversation?

It’s not like regular practice where, yes, you know, you have time to think and practice and do it again and again and again. And then of course, you should think about it and change it. Not when you’re communicating with others. Also, you know, I’m sorry to say, but it’s not nice to talk to someone who is not fully listening to you. I can always tell if someone’s paying attention or not. If someone is really interested, I can see it in their eyes. I can feel it in the energy that they’re– that they have. Right?

If they’re preoccupied with something, I’m gonna see that right away. And then I’m gonna say to myself, I don’t feel comfortable speaking. I’m not gonna say that, but I’m just gonna feel that, you know. And I might just want to just wrap it up as soon as possible. Because there isn’t that intuitive, spontaneous, back-and-forth exchange of ideas and conversation. Right? And again, I wouldn’t feel like someone’s actually listening to me.

If you want people to listen to you, you gotta start by being a very good listener. And while some of you are excellent listeners, I have no doubt. And I tend to attract a lot of introverts too; I’m an introvert, so I totally get what that feels like to communicate in a second language and, you know, being an introvert, and sometimes shy introverts.

So, I know that a lot of you are really good listeners to begin with. You might even prefer to listen than to speak. But then something happens in English where you stop being a good listener, cuz you’re so consumed by your fears and your English plans, and thoughts about your English, and judgment, and fear. Have I said that? Anxiety. “Will I be able to understand them?”

Back to my back. You know, stay connected to your body, stay connected to your breath when you communicate with other people. And by the way, it does not matter if it’s on Zoom or in real life, you know, it’s the same. On Zoom, you can totally feel when someone’s listening to you or not.

And trust all the work that you’ve done, no matter where you’re at. Trust the work to be there for you when it’s your time to speak. It’s not gonna make any difference if you think about what to say. In a work meeting, for example, you know, you’re like, “Oh, you know, I wanna say that. And I have to like comment on that argument that they…” Just speak! The words will come out. And if not, they’ll wait for you. But it’s so important to just, the moment you walk into a conversation, you just put everything at the entrance of the door; and you walk into that room without the thoughts and fears and ideas. Come back to it later, but just be fully present.

And another thing: if you do tend to distract yourself, like I often do with everything that is happening, you know, on Slack – which is like WhatsApp for business – and social media, and email, and all of that stuff. If you do tend to do that and you have a conversation, try to give yourself a few minutes of peace of not like thinking about a million different things. And try to kinda like center yourself and be present, and think about your back, and your belly, and your breathing. And I have no doubt that the conversation is going to be a lot smoother and easier, and a lot more fun for you. You might even actually enjoy it. You might laugh or tell a joke. How fun is that going to be?

All right? Can we all agree on trying to be a bit more present? Or let’s rephrase that, like I heard today. Do you think – ask yourself this question, on a scale of 1 to 10 – do you think that it would be a good idea for you to be more present in life, but also in speaking English? So, stay with that, think about that. And if the answer is yes, then keep thinking about that.

The more we think about things, the more we make it a possibility in our lives. And the more we follow through when we want to acquire a new behavior. That’s just how the brain works. Why not take advantage of it and change the things you don’t like? All right.

Thank you so much for being here with me. If you liked this podcast, then consider subscribing on your favorite platform. And also, if you really liked this episode, you can rate and review the podcast. Tell me what you think and allow/help more people learn about this podcast so it can help them, like it helps you. And that would help me. So let’s all help each other.

Thank you so much. Have a beautiful, beautiful rest of the day. Come say Hi on Instagram at @hadar.accentsway, or check out my website at hadarshemesh.com for a lot of free stuff that you can get started with today.

Have a beautiful, beautiful rest of the day. And I’ll see you, or talk to you, next time.