Episode Transcript

Control [Podcast] | Transcription

Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m Hadar, and this is episode number 210. And today we’re going to talk about control and how staying in control affects every bit of your fluency.

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in for another episode. So today, as you realized, we are going to talk about control – and not the pronunciation of the word. So I’m not going to talk about the dark L at the end, I’m not going to talk about the schwa at the beginning. No, I’m going to talk about staying in control and having the need to be in control when speaking English.

I’ve talked in the past about perfectionism and how perfectionism is detrimental. It’s horrendous, it’s ruining your chances for fluency, for feeling free. Because perfectionism is having that sense that unless I speak correctly, unless I don’t make mistakes, unless I know exactly what I need to say, I will not speak.

It’s not conscious. It’s not like you’re saying to yourself, “I’m not going to speak unless I know everything.” But it’s subconscious. The action that you take is based on a certain belief that you have. And usually that belief is, “I’m just not going to speak unless I have it all figured out in my head or unless I know exactly how to say it, or unless I’m not struggling with any of the words.” And the results – you not speaking often enough, or as often as you should be speaking – is proof that you have this belief that it needs to be perfect.

So, I talk a lot about perfectionism. And I have an episode just about that, that I’m going to link to it in the show notes. So if that resonates with you, I highly recommend that you listen to it. But today I want to address it from a different angle. And that angle is that false sense of control when speaking a language. Or at least the need to be in control.

Now, I’m going to start by saying that I am a person who likes very much to be in control. I need to know exactly what’s happening every single day. If my husband is planning something, I need to know every single detail. And you bet that I will have something to say about it (sorry, Gil). If I’m building something or creating something in my business, I need to know exactly what are the steps and where things are going.

Now, I’ve gotten better at it. So I’m not as bad as I used to be, but I needed to have everything under my control. And it’s so hard to let go of control. Luckily, I have an amazing team that allows me to give up on some of my control. But usually in life, you know, I don’t always feel like I can just let go.

Now, yes, the deeper belief in that is that if I let go, things are not going to work out properly. It’s not going to be right. It’s not going to be how I want it to be. And everything’s dependent on me. Which is very narcissistic, if I can just add. Right? It’s like, “I’m the only person who can do it right. And if I don’t do it right then it’s not going to get done.” So, it’s not realistic, it’s not true.

And like I said, I’m learning how to let go of that belief. I wasn’t… I wouldn’t be able to be where I am today, had I not given up on that belief. But I know what it’s like to be in control. And I know I still have it, especially in my personal life. And my team will say it that I still have it in my business, I guarantee. But I have gotten better.

So, why am I telling you all that? Because if you can relate to something that I said here about that sense of control, I’m inviting you to check in with yourself and see how that manifests into your English when you’re speaking, because it always does. English is a reflection of every aspect in our lives. If we don’t have the confidence to speak or to do something or to show up or to put ourselves out there, it is rooted in something much, much deeper.

That is manifested in other areas of our lives: our relationships, our career, our family. But we can definitely see it in English too. So, if you find yourself struggling with letting go of control, in this episode I want to talk about how that’s manifested in your English and how that’s preventing you from having that innate freedom.

So, yeah, let’s begin with that idea that freedom is something that is not controlled. Once you control something, that something is oppressed, it’s enslaved, it’s limited because you’re controlling it. And when you’re trying to have something go according to how you plan it, there is no creativity, there are no surprises, there is no discovery.

And I want you to think of a language as something that is constantly evolving, like a plant or a tree or grass; that it keeps changing all the time. And if you put it in a controlled environment, let’s say like a pot – put a big tree in a small pot. So it starts growing, but then when it stays inside the pot, it’s not going to grow a lot more than what the pot allows it. That is a controlled environment.

So when you think of your English like that, you need to understand that when you want to be in control a hundred percent of the times of what comes out of your mouth, you’re going to always A – feel limited, and B – limit the possibility of freedom. So I’m going to explain that.

You’re going to always feel limited because whatever comes out of your mouth is never going to be exactly like it’s planned out in your head. That’s just science. I don’t know, it’s usually impossible unless you rehearse it all the time. What comes out of our mouth is a lot more organic and has sometimes its own life. So you’re going to feel limited. But by controlling it, you will not have that beauty of discovery and freedom, and you will limit your English and all the potential that you have, and you have a lot of it.

Now, what does it mean to control what comes out of your mouth? What does it look like? Well, it looks like not saying words that you’re not sure of how to say them or use them. You’re not using words that you struggle with their pronunciation because you’re afraid that people are not going to understand you. That means that when you have something a little more complex to say than, you know, ‘how’s the weather?’, you might stop yourself because you don’t know what’s going to come out of your mouth and you’re afraid that it’s not going to be satisfactory. So you’re not going to say it. And in general, you might just limit yourself to small sentences, to doing a little less speaking so that you always feel in control and you’re not out of control.

You know that thing, for those of you who drink wine or alcohol – I know not everyone does, so I apologize if this is not relevant to you – but you know that thing when you’re sitting for dinner with a friend. And, you know, you have a conversation and you show them just a part of who you are. It’s kind of like, everything is controlled. We’re always controlling ourselves when we are in company, unless it’s with people who are really close to us. That’s because we try to be the person we think they want us to be.

And, um, and then you have a glass of wine, and then you have another glass of wine. And then you start talking freely without thinking about how this person perceives you. Because all that comes out is, you know, what you have to say at that moment. And yes, sometimes it could be a bit too much.

And then the next day you’re like, “Oh my God, I did not stop talking all evening. What was I blabbing about? Why did I have to talk about my football practice for like 25 minutes?” And no, I have never had any football or soccer practice, this is just an example. But you get what I’m saying? Like you have that feeling that you are out of control.

But in that moment there was you being present and you being free. And while it may not obey some social norms… And yes, sometimes we don’t want to do all the talking all the time, we also want to listen to others. But with that, that sense of freedom of ‘I don’t give a crap about what people say’ is the epitome of not being in control, not being controlled by your conscious mind.

Now, I’m not saying start drinking and speaking. I’m just saying, what if you decide to let go of that control a little bit more? What if you decide not to have it all figured out when you start speaking? What if you decide that you’re going to use those new words, even though you’re not certain 100% that you’re going to use them correctly or in the right context? What if you decide to let go of the tight grip that you hold your English and your performance?

What if you surrender to, “Whatever comes out – comes out. I’m here for the long haul, not just for that one conversation. And I know that when I give myself that freedom, I may make mistakes, but I’m also growing and learning.” So, if you are the kind of person who needs to be in control of things, you’re probably doing it in English as well. And that really, really interacts well with perfectionism. Because again, what is perfectionism? Control. ‘If it’s not this, then it’s not okay. Cannot come out’.

And if I haven’t convinced you yet, I’m going to say that again – that control and keeping that tight grip will never allow you to reach true freedom. No matter how much you practice and how much you’ll learn grammar and pronunciation. I’m inviting you to surrender to the unexpected and to being in the present and in the moment when speaking. I’m inviting you to laugh at your mistakes while you’re making them, and after. I’m inviting you to dare more. Because when you do, it really makes all the difference. All the difference.

Really think of it like jumping into the deep water with your eyes closed. And trusting that it will be okay. Or bungee jumping, which is something that I will never, ever do. So maybe you don’t have to imagine that that’s what you’re going to do. But what if you did? I mean, I’m willing to imagine it, so I’m going to imagine it with you. Right now I’m closing my eyes. I’m imagining myself bungee jumping, trusting that it would be okay. Good. And if you survived this, you can survive a conversation in English where you’re not in control so much.

You’ve done harder things in your life. You’ve challenged yourself. Think of a moment or of a situation where you really took the plunge, you really pushed yourself, you really did something scary. We all have that. We have areas in our lives where we’re like, I’m going to do it. And every time you feel the fear of speaking: before a meeting, before a job interview, before a conversation at your kid’s school, with your doctor, with your teacher – every time you feel that, I want you to remember that other situation, where you really conquered a scary moment. And remind yourself that you can do challenging, scary things. And you know how to let go of control. And trust that you will land on your feet or bounce back from the rope. But you’ve done that. And you know how to do it and your body knows how to do it. And you will survive that conversation.

That’s it. Thank you so much for being here with me today. If you enjoyed this, please consider subscribing to my podcast, and rate and review the podcast. And you can come and follow me on Instagram at @hadar.accentsway and send me a DM, tell me what you think, if you found this helpful.

Have a beautiful, beautiful rest of the day. And I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.