Hey everyone, it’s Hadar. Welcome. And today you are going to listen to a podcast episode – this is a recorded podcast episode – about expectations. If you want to sign up for the InFluency Podcast, if you like listening to podcasts, you can find it on your favorite platform: Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Stitcher or wherever you get your podcasts.
I release two episodes a week, so I do release a lot of podcast episodes that are not on my YouTube channel. And this is why I invite you to subscribe to the podcast as well as to my YouTube channel, so you don’t miss out anything. Let’s talk about expectations.
Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m Hadar, and this is episode number 220. And today we’re going to talk about expectations. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m so happy to have you here with me. And what I want to talk about today is I think really important when it comes to our English learning experience and speaking experience, especially speaking experience.
And I want to talk about this concept of expectations. And a lot of times, we tend to think that expectations are good because they help us set some kind of a goal or intention towards, you know, what we want. And, you know, when we… when we think about successful people and the way society has taught us to think about successful people, we think about people who have high expectations of themselves and they work hard at not failing those expectations.
But my question for you today is, do those expectations really serve us? And I want to talk about the difference between expectations, intention, and goals. Because goals and intention could potentially be more proactive and helpful for us. Whereas expectations can create a situation where we’re constantly unhappy with our performance.
Because here’s the thing. When we think about our English, we expect ourselves to perform in a certain way. We expect ourselves to not make mistakes. We expect ourselves to be clear. We expect our English to be as fluent and as expressive as our first language.
We realize and we recognize that the circumstances are not the same. Yet, we have this expectation that we would be able to communicate in English the way we communicate in our first language. And we do everything in our power to get to that experience.
Now, again, some of you may listen to this and say, Okay, what’s wrong with that? Because when we have expectations, it forces us to work harder. It motivates us to do the work, to get there. Because if we are constantly okay with our performance and we don’t strive for more, than we might just stay stuck, which is true.
But here’s the difference between setting goals and having a clear intention and vision for who you are and what you want to achieve. Versus having unmet expectations that kind of like accompany you consistently throughout your speaking experience. Because when we communicate and we’re constantly wrapped up with, “Well, I expect my English to be better by now”, or “I expect myself to not make any mistakes”, or “I expect for people to understand me better. And if they don’t, then what is wrong with my English or what is wrong with my pronunciation?”
When you’re constantly wrapped up with those thoughts, then you’re constantly comparing this image that you have of yourself and where you should be versus where you are right now. And you know what that causes? That causes you to constantly feel like you’re not good enough.
Now, in the human experience, we’re already constantly feeling like we’re not good enough. Society does a really good job at making us feel not good enough. Right? When we look at ads, when we watch television, when we watch movies, there is this ideal depiction. Because when we… when we watch movies or when we listen to TV, listen to the radio, watch YouTube videos, there is this ideal depiction of reality, right? – what reality is – when we, you know, scroll through social media – how people look, how people sound. And there is like this, it always looks ideal and very different from who we are, which constantly makes us feel not good enough and average.
And let’s… let me tell you this. You’re not average. You’re not. But you might be feeling average because you’re constantly comparing yourself to all the ‘shoulds’ in your head, right? Where you should be by now, how your English should sound by now. And you have these expectations of yourself. And a lot of them are not rooted in reality. Right? You expect yourself to be fluent, yet you’re not speaking every single day. Right? You’re not practicing every single day. Yet you expect yourself to perform. And the fact that you’re not there causes you to stop speaking or take on less opportunities, avoid speaking, right? stop yourself from doing things. Because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or sad or frustrated when constantly being met with the fact that you’re not hitting your expectations.
So you are avoiding the pain of feeling not good enough by not speaking. Because you know that you’ll never be able to live up to your expectations. Because our expectations tend to be a lot more than what’s possible for us. Now, do not get me wrong. I’m a high achiever. I have a lot of expectations of myself: as a teacher, as a human being, as a mother, as a business owner, as a leader inside my company. I constantly battle these expectations.
But by battling these expectations and not letting them affect me and make me feel like I’m not good enough, it does not mean that I’m losing my ambition or motivation or need to perform well, or to do all the things that I set out to do for myself. No. Because I still have a very clear vision that I have for myself and for my business. And how I want to feel when I communicate in English: when I teach, when I parent, when I run my business.
And when I have this vision, I know what I should be feeling and should be doing. And feeling not good enough and constantly beating myself up is not a part of it. That is not helping me get to where I want and need to be. So, constantly thinking about where I should be and, you know, my expectations of myself is not helpful. Because it’s not going to get me to where I want to be, despite the illusion that it will. Because we need to set some standards here, right?
And it’s exactly the same with your English. If you’re constantly thinking about what’s not right with your English because it’s not according to your expectations of yourselves and of society of you, right? Because people want you to have awesome English, perfect English, a certain accent, so you can fit in and belong. Especially for all the immigrants listening to this podcast. We all know how hard it is to constantly feel like you’re a little different or be reminded of it.
But does that need to intrude and interfere with your individual experience and affect it and destroy it in a way? Are you willing to let all those external expectations of others of you and then, ultimately, of yourself of you? Are you going to let it affect you and succumb, in a way, to these expectations, and constantly feel mediocre, not good enough, average, frustrated, sad, fearful? Right? All those lovely negative emotions that are a result of, you know, us thinking about ourselves as, you know, we’re not there yet.
And not in a good way, right? Like not in a good… We’re not there yet, but I’m on my way there. I’m working hard every day to get there. I’m learning every single day. No, this is not… If this was your experience, then of course, you wouldn’t be feeling not good enough. Cause you’d constantly be focusing on the positive, and you’d be proactive. No. Because those negative emotions cause us to stay stagnant, to not take action. Again, we’re really trying to, ultimately, avoid the fear or the feeling of the fear, or the feeling of the shame, or the feeling of the frustration.
So ultimately, the right thing to do is to think clearly about the expectations that you have of yourself. And you need to do two things. One, to make sure that this is not something that you’re constantly thinking about when you’re speaking. And you’d know that this is what’s happening when you would find yourself feeling, “Oh, shoot! I didn’t get that right. I made a mistake again. So stupid.” Right?
When you have those thoughts, it usually happens when you’re doing something that is not what you had expected yourself to do. Because when you’re doing something that your brain perceives it as okay, ordinary, normal, good, then you’re not putting yourself down, right? You’re not self beating yourself. But when you’re doing something that is different from what you expect yourself to be or to behave, that’s when the pain starts, that’s when the negative self-talk starts.
So paying attention to that and thinking, “Okay, what is the expectation here? What am I not fulfilling? Where do I feel like I’m falling short in the situation?” And then you want to turn that thought around. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I’m not good enough”, to change it to, “I have such a great goal and vision”. And I’m going to talk about that in a sec. But think about it, stay with me. “I have such a great goal and vision. I’m working hard every single day towards that vision.”
So, instead of just letting go of expectations and saying, “Oh, I should just be happy with where I’m at”, which is true, like you should be happy and appreciative and grateful for where you’re at. You know, you’re able to listen to this podcast, that’s a lot when English is not your first language. Let’s begin with that. And think of all the other great things that you’re able to achieve thanks to your English.
But you can always create a vision for yourself and a goal. “This is where I want to be. This is the type of person I want to be when communicating in English. This is how I want to feel.” Be clear about how you want to feel in English – not the result. Because that grammar mistake could be detrimental, but it could also be nothing, if you don’t even notice it or count it as a fault or a flaw. If you’re so confident that you don’t freaking care about making a mistake.
I’ve made so many mistakes just in this podcast alone. Some I noticed… some I notice – here, here is one – some I don’t. But I keep going until no one even notices them. I don’t care. I have a message to deliver and I’m going to deliver it. If I had to write it down, yes, I would pay closer attention. But if I’m just speaking, I want to speak. Because if I constantly have to stop and think about how to say something, I would never have that healthy flow of thought that allows me to communicate something that is deeper than grammar.
And I really encourage you to be there too. And to think about not the fact that you’d have perfect grammar and not make mistakes, but have so much confidence and belief in yourself that those mistakes won’t matter. They won’t matter. You wouldn’t even notice them. Because you’d be so focused on communicating and saying what you have to say. And not where you’re not, and what you’re not achieving just yet. And how bad you are or not enough. Or what an imposter you are.
We don’t have time in our lifetime to waste feeling those negative emotions. You have so much to do. You have so much impact to have on people around you: your family, your friends, students, colleagues, people on the internet. There’s so much you can do and say, and change the circumstances of your life. And get a better job, and enjoy what you’re doing, and influence others.
All of that would be really hard to be realized if you’re constantly dwelling in those negative thoughts: feeling not good enough, not being able to go past the basics – which is my grammar, the words I use, how many times I got stuck. Make a decision to make that change every time you speak.
Before you go into a conversation, have that mantra: “People want to hear what I have to say. I am learning from my mistakes. I want to feel confident and proud of my English. I am confident and proud of my English.” Right? Just by thinking that you might start feeling that if you say that to yourself continuously. You deserve that. You don’t deserve to constantly suffer when communicating in English.
So let go of those expectations. And instead, focus on what and how you want to feel in English. And do the work. This would not happen by just sitting on the couch. Do the work. Practice daily, bring some joy into your practice. Right? Appreciate yourself for what you’re doing and what you’re achieving. And for making those mistakes, because mistakes is the only way to learn. All right?
Are you going to make that change? Are you going to shift those thoughts from ‘not enough’ and all the ‘shoulds’ to: “This is great. I have more to where to go. But this is already great. I’m enough. My English is enough.” Right?
If you want to continue this conversation, hop over to my Instagram account at @hadar.accentsway and send me a DM. Tell me what you think, what this makes you feel. And if you haven’t yet, I’m inviting you to subscribe to the InFluency Podcast.
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So, thank you so much for being here. And take care. Bye.
