Welcome to the InFluency Podcast. I’m Hadar, and today we are going to talk about obedience.

Hey, hey, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in for another episode of the InFluency podcast. Today we’re gonna talk about obedience. And no, not the pronunciation of the word, even though I am tempted to talk about it because it is interesting.

We’re gonna talk about obedience because this is something that I’ve been dealing with all my life. This idea of being obedient, and how it has impacted me as a child, growing up, as an adult, as a business owner, even as a content creator. This idea of being obedient. What is that, anyway? So let’s talk about it.

First, let’s talk about what is – for those of you who don’t know this term – obedience. So, I am looking at Oxford Dictionary right now, and this is what it says. It says, “Compliance with an order, request, or law, or submission to another’s authority”. “Compliance with an order, request, or law, or submission to another’s authority”. It’s just like basically saying, yes; yes, sir.

Now, it may be confused with people pleasing, but I actually am not talking about people pleasing, which I am also guilty of. But I’m talking about feeling like you need to obey someone, or someone’s authority. Right? For me, it was always teachers. I always felt this fear around teachers. I remember my first grade teacher. I was so terrified of her, even though she was really nice. I remember my sixth grade teacher, she was a monster, really. She was so mean. She would always yell, really. And I really remember how scared I was of her, and how I did not want to do anything that would get her to be angry at me.

And even when I was an acting student in New York City and I had a couple of teachers, actually all of them, who really scared me. And I was very, very obedient, even though I knew that the revolutionaries in the class were always praised – people who did not follow the rules. And I could just not do it, I had to follow the rules. Right? Like doing something that is against an order or the law or the rule was just impossible. Still till this day, I am the person who is less likely to break the law.

You must be asking yourself, What does that have to do with English? It has everything to do with English. Let me explain. But I’m also going to say that this might resonate more with my women listeners because we are raised to be obedient, to do what we’ve been told, right? With boys it’s different. It’s kind of like, think of boys, little boys. You know, you expect them to break the law and to not do what you say. I mean, not everyone, of course. And it’s just like, you know, social norms – that boys are always going to be boys, right, you have that phrase. Because they’re gonna do things that are not what is expected of them, and that is okay. But girls need to behave. Be a good girl. Right? Do what you’re told. And these messages, you know, we hear them on TV, at home, over at friends, our grandparents, and it sticks.

Now, of course, this notion or feeling like you have to obey, it’s not just, you know, something that women experience. But women in particular experience that because of social norms, because of patriarchy, because of generations of silencing women and asking them to obey. And this is why this is huge for me personally, and for a lot of women listening. But of course, also for a lot of men who have been part of this hierarchical structure, especially when it comes to being a speaker of English as a second language.

So, why am I talking about obedience? Because I connect this notion of being right with following the rules. Okay, I’m gonna explain that again, so bear with me, I’ll get you there. Why are we so afraid of making mistakes? We’re so afraid of making mistakes because we are breaking someone’s rules. And for people who like to follow rules because they’re afraid that if they break the rules, then they’re gonna be rejected or someone’s gonna get angry at them, right?

So it’s not even about being considered as less intelligent, which is a very common fear. But I’m actually talking about something different. You know me, I like to tackle this fluency thing, speaking English, from different angles, cuz I really want you to think of all the possibilities of why you are holding yourself back when you shouldn’t.

So, this idea of following the rules is so ingrained in us, especially for those of you who are very obedient. And when you break the rules, you’re doing something wrong. It’s just like it goes against everything that you’ve ever learned or everything that feels right. And you’re afraid of that. You don’t wanna break the rules.

Also, speaking to native speakers. When obedience is in your blood, then native speakers are considered an authority, and we’re afraid of them. Because they’re an authority, we have learned to be afraid of the person who’s in charge, the person who sets the rules, the person who can punish you.

So, we’re afraid of whomever symbolizes an authority. Could be a native speaker, but for some people it could be a doctor, or your child’s teacher, or a government official – anyone that can deprive something of you or of someone that you care about. And when you’re around them, you might feel anxious. Because you feel like you cannot break the rules or you feel like you cannot waste their time, god forbid. God forbid you get stuck and you waste their time. You cannot be not understood cuz they’re gonna get angry and punish you.

And these are real things that people feel. I hear all the time from my students that, you know, they can speak English fluently, clearly, they’re confident when they’re one-on-one with a friend, but then when they have to talk to the doctor, they’re so afraid.

I have a student, her name is Monica. She shared with us that only after being inside of New Sound, my program, building confidence, she had the courage to schedule a doctor’s appointment, after three years living in the US. And it’s not that she wasn’t speaking. There was something about going to the doctor that really scared her, and she didn’t. You know, the impact that has on one’s health and wellbeing and confidence and self-worth. And I connect that to that notion of obedience.

I see that with my girls, you know. Probably, if you were to watch a full day, like a candid camera hidden in my home, seeing how I interact with my girls – no, I am not a strict parent, and my girls don’t really care. If I tell them to do something, they will do it if they want. Which creates a lot of frustration, sometimes I wish they would be more obedient. But then when they’re not, I say to myself, Oh my God, like this is so good. Because I was such an obedient child, and again, like I didn’t have harsh parents, you know, that disciplined me, no. But still, I was a very obedient child. I don’t know where that came from. And even though they’re not, I see them with other, let’s say, teachers or grownups, and then they’re very obedient with people they don’t know.

So, going back to our interaction when they are not obeying me and they’re not doing what I want them to do, I’m pissed off, of course, and frustrated. And usually that happens in the morning when I need to leave for work. But there is a part in me, or at least that’s how I try to reframe it for myself, that says, I’m so happy that they learn how to go against what I am asking, go against my will. And sometimes, I tell them that they don’t always have to listen to their teacher because they are so freaking obedient. They will always do what their teacher says.

And you know, the environment in the school that they go to is very welcoming and open and they can speak up, but they don’t use it often enough, at least. And I am telling them, You know, it’s okay not to do everything that the teacher asks you to. It doesn’t work, by the way, they still do it, but I am planting the seed. Because even though it might backfire, I still want them to know that they don’t always have to listen to something when it goes against what they want or what they believe in, or how they feel in the moment. I hope it’s gonna help, and help them feel more free. But I also know that it’s so easy to feel trapped inside this need to do what other people tell you to do, inside the need to please and to follow the rules.

And I want to invite you to get into this conversation with yourself. Where does this meet you – this need to follow the rules? And if it does and you are unhappy with the freedom that you have in English, or maybe lack of freedom, then ask yourself, Is this related? Am I afraid of going against the rules? Am I afraid of native speakers because they’re an authority? Am I afraid to speak to someone whom I consider as an authority because I don’t want to make mistakes, waste their time, and all of that “good” stuff. Air quotes, “good” stuff.

So, that’s it. I just wanted you to think about that with me as I was thinking about that. And that’s it, thank you. Thank you for being here, thank you for listening. And I’m gonna do two things. One, talk about the pronunciation of obedience because there are two. The first one is ‘ow’ as in go at the beginning. Then ‘bee’ – high ‘ee’, and then another high ‘ee’ in the next syllable – ‘dee’. So, ‘ow-bee-dee’. And then a schwa sound – ‘uhns’. ‘ow-bee-dee-uhns’. You have a small Y sound there in between – ‘dee-yuhns’. ‘ow-bee-dee-yuhns’. But you can also put a schwa at the beginning – ‘uh-bee-dee-yuhns’.

Now, the second thing I’m going to say is that – and you don’t have to obey – if you want, I’m inviting you to share this podcast with someone who might resonate with this idea of obedience, and maybe this idea of feeling stuck and feeling not fluent. And maybe they don’t know why, this could be the reason. So, if you want, I would love for you to share that.

And don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast so you can get updates whenever there is a new podcast on your favorite platform. And that’s it. You can find me at @hadar.accentsway on Instagram if you want to connect with me personally. Send me a DM, tell me you have listened to the Obedience Podcast, and tell me what you think. I love having conversations in my DMs. So, I’m inviting you to talk to me there. And in the meantime, have a beautiful rest of the day. Thank you for listening. And I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.